Breaking Silence

We were both running around like chickens with our heads cut off; John loading up a luggage cart and getting the last of our things loaded in to the car and trailer and I was finishing up last minute details. That and getting our babies ready to go. Jack was just four weeks old, not quite a month yet. Karis had turned 2 just three days before. It was our last day in Myrtle Beach. We were preparing to move for the 5th time in a year...destination: Rome, Georgia. We knew this next assignment was only going to be a month long, but we looked forward to it, just the same.

I wanted to savor just one moment in the midst of the chaos that morning. We had lived in Myrtle Beach for 8 months up to this point, although this particular condo was the third different place we had lived while in MB. It was only our home for two months, but it was my favorite place we had been while on this journey. It had plenty of room for our family, it was on the beach...and most importantly, it was the place that we brought Jack home from the hospital. It was the home that I sat out on the balcony, overlooking the ocean, praying for my sweet baby boy and wondering about his arrival. Every. Single. Day. It wasn't home for long, but it was just that. Our home. And a special one at that.

I had a plan, I always do. They just don't always happen. A plan to stop and soak it all in, one last time. But, as life is sometimes crazy, time didn't allow. We were bordering on being late and rushing to get all our things and our family, which was now four, out the door. So, I simply stopped...stared out at the sun rising up over the ocean and said aloud, "thank you God for your provisions." It's all I had at the moment and I had no idea of the foreshadowing those words held.

With the last cart full, the trash emptied and all of our belongings packed. We locked the door to condo 915 for the last time. We took the elevator down, I got the kids buckled while John loaded the last of our things in the U-Haul on the back of the van. We were really pushed for time. The van was even running already. John jumped in the driver's seat and tried to put the van into drive. Nothing. It wouldn't budge.

You've got to be kidding.

You see, while we were on our way out of town, and our day was supposed to just be spent traveling, we did have one 'quick' stop to make. A couple guys from corporate happened to be in the area that day and asked to meet with John before we left town. He had an appointment to get to...and for that, we were rushing.

We tried everything. I was reading all that I could in the manual while John was calling the guys to say we would be just a couple minutes late. Our already stressful morning was getting worse by the minute. Again, foreshadowing. Finally, we were able to override the system and got the van moving. We still had to drop the keys to our condo off at the rental facility, then we were off to the mall for John's meeting. When we got to the mall he ran in quickly. I stayed in the car with the kids and fed Jack before we headed in to walk around for a few minutes. Since we were going to be in the car most of the day, I wanted to give Karis as much opportunity to run off energy as possible.

After Jack was fed, I got him snuggled up in the stroller and we all walked in to the mall. We had to pass the place where John was having his meeting, so I diverted Karis' attention so she didn't go running over there in the midst of it. We walked up and down for a while. Jack fell asleep, Karis and I played together as we burned time.

Not long after, I saw John walking towards us and got Karis and walked over to meet him. I was so curious as to what this impromptu meeting could have been about. John walked up to me and said, "so, you want to move back to Asheville, right?" I stood there bewildered. I couldn't quite wrap my brain around what he was saying...because yes, I desperately wanted to move back to Asheville. It was home. There would be a new store opening in a few months, and while it was beyond a long shot, I prayed daily that it would be ours. That Asheville would be our home again. And as I stood there looking at him quizzically, he said, "I'm done."

I. Can't. Breath.

In just one second, the vastness of those few words all caught up with me and I knew exactly what he was saying. There I stood, holding my newly-two-year-old daughter's hand on one side, and my four-week-old on the other, staring at the man I love more than anything on this earth. And our whole world came crashing down around us.

I burst in to tears.

But, wait, you can't do that. You need to support your husband right now. He needs you.

I did all I knew to do in that moment and simply held my husband. My rock. Because he needed me. Albeit while shedding my own tears; I was just four weeks post-partum, afterall.

That morning, that chaotic, stressful morning, was the morning that my husband lost his job. But, this was so much more than a job to us. This was something we had been working toward for years. This wasn't just a job, it was our life plan. We had sacrificed SO much for this. Years of hard work, no vacations, family working around our restricted schedule. Both of us worked for this company, towards this end. John missed a cumulative five months of Karis' first year of life, while off training other people and helping to open stores. We left everything behind to pick up and move around the country for this job. We rented our house out, we lived in hotels and other people's condos. Sacrifice after sacrifice. Our life was not normal. Nor was it easy. And, now, after all that, it was just...over.

But, if you caught what I just said, it was more than just losing a job. In that moment we had no job and no home. Yes, we still owned a home, but someone else was living in it and legally allowed to do so. We had just turned in the keys to the condo where we were staying. No home in Myrtle Beach, no home in Asheville.

What on earth were we going to do?

As I looked down at my babies, the enormity of it all was more than I could take.

Now, I should say that we were essentially given no reason for this decision. Did John do anything wrong? No. Could he have done anything differently? No. No mess-ups. No problems. It was simply the end. We were given the option to walk away at this point and take our severance. Or, we could work one more month at our next destination in Georgia, then take our severance.

The next hours are in some ways a blur. It was easily in the top-two hardest days of our married life. We had no idea what decision to make. We were hurt, angry, stunned. Everything we had planned, was now washed away. In the midst of confusion and anguish that day, I felt more bonded with my husband than I ever had before. We are a team, and we would get through this together.

We got in the van and drove to our best friends' house, where we were planning to stay that night anyway. It was a halfway point to Rome and we needed time to digest. We ended up opting to go to Rome and it was the best possible decision we could have made. We spent one night in Asheville on the way there, to put some things in storage and let our rental company know we needed to move back in to our house the first of October.

Life in Rome wasn't always easy. But it wouldn't have been easy regardless of where we were. We lived in a hotel, right off the main street downtown. It's a very cute and quaint town that we loved exploring. We learned to lavish in the simple things in life and spent the month trying to figure out - what next?!?

At the beginning of October we moved back in to our home in Asheville. This time with a family of four, rather than just the three that had left this place 14 months before. In that period of time we moved 6 times. If for nothing less, we were happy to just be home. In one spot.

John has gotten a new job and will start it the first of the year. It's been an interesting few months for us. And really, that's why I've been so silent on the blog. Life has just plain been hard. I don't want to pretend and act like it's not. Because it is. I know people lose their jobs everyday. And it sucks. I now know first-hand. This blog has been my place to share with you, with whomever may read, about our lives, our family...about things I sew or create. It's been my happy place. But, I haven't had an excess of happy lately. I've been saving it all for my family and didn't have extra to share with the world. Until now...I'm breaking my silence. This is a part of our life. This is part of the journey we are on. We had everything stripped away from us and we laid bare, but we are still thanking God for His provisions. We are simple people and enjoy a simple life. This is just a part of it. Now it's out there. And we are moving on.