Heart Capacity

The capacity for love in one's heart is a funny thing.

A few years ago my life was small and simple. It was me and John...and I loved it. I would tell him all the time, that I loved him so much that I thought I could burst. And I genuinely felt that way. I have always loved my husband tremendously. But, I always knew there would be more.

I have known my entire life that I wanted to be a mom. If you could ask the six-year-old version of me what I want to be when I grow up, that is what I would tell you. It's been a strong desire for as long as I can remember. John and I knew before we got married that we wanted to have children one day, but we did want to have some time to simply enjoy being married before that day came. As everyone tells you before you have kids, "it'll change your whole life" or "just wait, life will never be the same," and so on. Well, no joke life won't be the same, but I think we all have to experience that on our own to decide what that means for each of us individually. The way my life has changed since children may not be the way someone else's life changes.

I have been in love with Karis since long before I met her. But, the longer I have known her the deeper that love grows. Even before we became pregnant I was in love with the promise of her. That may sound crazy to some. But, our road to pregnancy with Karis was not an easy one. It took us well over a year of trying to become pregnant, and in the midst of that we lost a baby to miscarriage. It was a hard and lonely time for us, but all the while I believed that we would have a baby one day. I believed with everything in me that God would bless us in this way and that this was a promise. I kept going back to Proverbs 13:12, Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life. I believed that God would fulfill our longing. Although, honestly, I wasn't sure how that baby would come.

What makes me a Mom isn't the fact that I became pregnant and carried Karis and Jack to full-term, then gave birth to them. Had I never been blessed with the ability to become pregnant, and I do think it's a gift, as not everyone is given this ability, I hope that I would still be called Mama today. John and I would have adopted a sweet baby...and we still might in the future, I'm not sure right now. Becoming a Mom or Dad has much more to do with pouring out one's self, unconditionally, to someone else. It's about sacrifice. Love. Setting oneself aside. Teaching. Nurturing. This role may come by way of adoption, surrogacy, pregnancy, fostering or becoming a caretaker for someone in need.

For years, my heart felt full. Then, Karis came along and burst my heart wide open...and stretched it wider than I imagined. Then, we become pregnant with Jack. I knew that I loved him from the start. But, I wasn't sure what that would actually look like once he got here. That may sound wrong, but if you've ever expected a second child, you may have struggled with or wondered the same thing. I remember thinking when we had Karis that I immediately could understand why some couples have only one child and others have a ton. It's such an incredible experience and you love so much, that it seems difficult to imagine loving another as much. Or, on the other hand, you have so much love for one baby, you just want to do it over and over again.

I remember someone saying once that love doesn't divide, it multiplies.

Our hearts aren't just created with one level of capacity and once that's been reached, it's done.
No.
They never stop growing.
God stretches them and fills them up.
Over and over.

And now, Jack has come along...and every day since I find that I love him more and more. Especially in those first few days, I just kept becoming amazed at just how much I loved him. How much I really like him. I guess I didn't know to expect it. I wasn't sure what it would be like. But, my heart's capacity has increased yet again.

From a heart that started full, it just keeps growing and stretching.