What If....

As you all know tomorrow is our first ultrasound. I've already told you that I am terrified about this. As the time gets closer I find I'm more and more nervous. I find myself asking so many 'what ifs'. What if they find a gremlin-squid-alien inside me? That's not to say that I think it'll be weird looking, but that I think it couldn't really be a baby. Or what if there is no baby? What if they can't find a heart beat? These questions have me so afraid I can't stand it. I think I've finally come to the conclusion why. Last night I had dinner with my best friend and asked her if this seemed as abnormal as I feel, or if it was pretty common. She thought it seemed pretty abnormal. The only thing she agreed with is the anxiety in wondering about a heartbeat...and that was something she was nervous about throughout both of her pregnancies. So, back to my why. I think it's because, for us, this journey has been so long. It's been so hard. It's been a journey of heartache and grief. It seems like it can't possibly be that now, after all of this, there will actually be a baby. The last time I had an ultrasound I was so full of hope that they were going to find a baby...and then they didn't. I think I find it incredibly difficult to get my hopes up this time. With that being said, I do really hope that tomorrow I get to report good news to you. I hope to share an ultrasound photo with you and tell you all is well. But, I'm walking into this full of fear. So, we shall see.