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Lately...

21 May 2010

I apologize that I have not blogged for so long. Life has been quite interesting lately, to say the least. I have written a couple of posts, that I have not posted yet, and I may not ever. But just putting the words on a page has been helpful for me. I have been making many projects, but didn't take pictures, so I don't have much to share on that front. For now, I will simply share our story. The past few weeks have been full of emotion for us...joy and anticipation, sorrow and grief.

Among our greatest desires in the world, is that we get the incredible privilege of having children and becoming a family of more than just two. For many months John and I have been trying to make this a reality. But, for many months this has not been possible. Then, finally, one day after months of negative tests and completed cycles..we got a second line. We got a positive test. Then, the next day and again the next. All
positive, all saying, yes you made a baby. Oh, what joy! Of all the months that I thought it wasn't possible, for reasons I'll leave out of this post, we made a baby. We had always agreed to wait before sharing our news with friends and family, just to be safe. So, this was our secret...our baby.

But then, as surprisingly as this joy came into our lives, it was gone.

Last Friday morning I started bleeding. I immediately called the doctor. My doctor was out of the office and the nurse was unsure of exactly what to do, since there was nothing we knew of to cause the bleeding. When she talked to another doctor in the practice, it was decided that because this was a significant amount of bleeding, not just spotting, that I needed to come in for an emergency ultrasound. They squeezed me in for an afternoon appointment. For the majority of the day, I was hopeful. I read countless stories online of people who have bleeding, but deliver perfectly healthy babies. I still chose hope.

Finally, after a whirlwind of a day, I got in for the ultrasound, and there it was.

Nothing.

My quiet, empty, aching womb.

Not even a little dot on the monitor. Now, because I have never gone through this process and the ultrasound tech did her very best to try to assuage any of my fears. I still chose hope. They did a couple of tests...then the doctor came in to speak to me. She said that between the blank ultrasound and tests, that I had miscarried the baby. Our baby was gone. Hope was crushed. Desire was left unfulfilled. Dreams that would never become reality. All our longings and joy that one day we would get to hold this baby were washed away. Fortunately the emptiness found in the ultrasound also meant that I did not need to have anything else done in order to 'clean-up' after the miscarriage. She said that my body was doing that itself. Also, because a miscarriage puts quite a bit of strain on the uterus, she advised us to not try to conceive for two months. It would be best for my uterus to rest and heal.

We had incredible joy...then incredible pain. And for now we grieve the loss of our baby. What can you do?
You can pray that one day the Lord will bless us with a precious baby. That one day He will grant us the desire of our hearts. And that we would be faithful to Him with that gift.
You can pray that God will comfort us during our time of grief. And that above all else, that God would be glorified through our loss. Ultimately that is what we want, for God to receive glory in our joy and in our pain.

4 comments:

  1. Kate and John,

    We love you so much...thank you for sharing your sweet heart and vulnerability in this post. We will be praying for our great God of comfort to comfort you two and bring you the peace that ONLY He can bring during this time that I can't even imagine how hard must be. Words can describe how sorry we are that you have had to go through such a great loss, but I can encourage you in that the Lord is sovereign, and it is his desire to give you the desire of your hearts. With that, HE is our hope. :) Love you two....we are praying for you!

    Love,
    Matt and Lynney :)

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  2. Kate and John,
    You are both indeed in our prayers, and we pray that God will bring you great comfort and peace. No matter what your emotions or feelings, it's okay to feel exactly as you do. God understands how much you wanted that sweet precious child, and how much sadness is in your heart. I will pray that God will indeed give you the baby you so desire. He wants good things for all his children. My heart breaks with yours. May God be glorified and others blessed by you sharing your story.
    Sending you love,
    Aunt Debbi and Uncle Jim

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  3. Oh Katherine! I am so sorry for your loss. I know how much you and John want a family. My heart aches for you. Please know that I am thinking about you, grieving with you and praying for you and for John. Just remember that God has a plan in ALL things and His plan is perfect. I am praying that God gives you and John peace and comfort and that one day He will give you your greatest desire. I love you so much! Please call, text or e-mail if you need anything.
    In His Love -
    Tammy

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  4. Thank you for sharing your heart and letting us be a small part in this journey of yours. We will commit to praying for you and that God will give you the desires of your heart. We love you and are here if you need anything.

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